by JEFF GOINS on JUNE 29, 2011

Most people misunderstand mentoring. I certainly did.

I never knew what it meant, until someone actually invested in me and he taught me how mentoring really worked.

I see a lot of young people approaching mentoring the wrong way. They ask a leader whom they admire to mentor them, forcing the person into an awkward position in which she feels bad for saying “no” or obligated to say “yes.”

This is not how mentoring works.

I have a passion to see to learn the art of seeking out the right mentor in the right way. And there are a lot of misunderstandings about how mentoring works and how to begin a relationship with a mentor.

Common misconceptions of mentoring
Mentoring is about me.
I need to wait for a mentor to find me.
Being mentored is more passive than active.
I need to ask someone to mentor me up-front.
Everything you know about mentoring may be wrong. Here’s how to do it right.

Mentor-Finding 101
There are several lessons in finding a mentor that I’ve learned in the past five years.

1. Find someone you want to be like
Don’t just find someone who has a job that you want or someone with a platform that you covet. Find someone that is somewhat like you, someone with a set of character strengths you want to emulate.

Spend some time finding the right person. In fact, have a few candidates.

2. Study the person
Follow his blog. Get to know people who know him. See if he is really like his public persona portrays him.

Make sure that you understand his strengths and weaknesses.

3. Make the ask
Don’t ask for the person to “be your mentor” right off the bat. That’s a big ask. Far too big for the first meeting.

Rather, ask for an initial meeting — something informal, over coffee maybe. Keep it less than an hour. Come with questions that you’re prepared to ask, but let the conversation flow relationally.

4. Evaluate
Do you want to spend more time with this person? Did she begin the meeting by encouraging you or telling you what to do? Did she ask questions of you, or wait to provide answers?

Did you leave the meeting feeling better about yourself? Was a connection made? If not, feel free to let the relationship go (at least as a mentoring prospect) and seek out someone else.

If it went well, put together a plan for following up.

5. Follow up
This is not like dating. It’s okay to appear slightly over-anxious. You want this person to know that you’re serious.

It’s completely appropriate to follow up immediately, thanking your prospective mentor for her time. A good way to do this is via email or some other form of passive communication, so that you don’t appear overbearing.

This is also a good time to mention that you’d like to do it again sometime. If she reciprocates, offer to set something on the calendar. (You may have to suggest a time.) Make sure that it feels relaxed and not contrived. You’re still vetting each other at this point.

6. Let it evolve
We sometimes place too high of expectations on mentoring. We want to give it a name, because it gives us a sense of status and importance. But really it’s just relationship.

Mentoring is organic. It’s healthy to let it grow like any other relationship — over time and based on mutual respect and trust. Don’t force it.

7. Don’t check out when your mentor challenges you
I was recently speaking with a friend who’s mentored a number of young men over the years. He said that a lot of guys check out when he challenges them.

It will happen eventually. You’ll get to a point in your relationship in which your mentor will feel comfortable enough to challenge you, to call you out.

This is what you signed up for. Don’t check out when it gets a little tough.

8. Press in
Don’t wait for the mentor to initiate. Learn how to manage up. Persevere.

Ask for more of your mentor without demanding it. It honors him.

9. Ask for feedback
Feedback can be hard, but it’s good. As your relationship with your mentor progresses, this will be the #1 way you grow. It will be a highlight for the both of you.

While asking for feedback may initially feel weird, eventually it will become second nature. You will find yourself thirsting for those words you used to fear.

Similarly, a good mentor will treat these times with great care and sensitivity.

10. Commit
You can’t be mentored in a summer. That’s an internship. Mentoring takes real time and real work.

In order for it to be a real mentorship, you have to commit to the relationship. Come hell or high water, you’re going to make it work.

Then, you will begin to understand what it means to be a student, a disciple, a protege.

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